It's Over & I'm Okay

Break ups are hard. Every single one. Even after you've been through a few and you hope this one will be different, it still cuts you deep and makes your eyes well up with tears at embarrassing times in inopportune places.

I dumped Russ yesterday. I'd been feeling for quite a while that he was a different person when I was with him than when we were apart. And especially in a long distance relationship, that doesn't work. As a person who values authenticity and dedication above all else, I couldn't tolerate dating two versions of the same person.

The last straw was the way he acted during the depressive episode I had last weekend. I'll admit I was emotionally distant on and off for those couple days; I'd text one word answers and snap that I was just sad and that was how it was until the depression passed. But I always tell the people I'm close to if I can feel a dangerous shift in my emotions. I've had BPD since I was 17 and have learned to recognize bad episodes as they're coming and to say something about them. The fact that he was entirely insensitive to my cries for help and either pushed me away or texted me biting remarks didn't help. 

Today he said, "I can't deal with you when you're like that, especially now, when I'm under a lot of stress". Among his job woes and dealing with a sick son and a deadbeat brother, my mental illness was listed as a problem to be solved. My personality disorder, which is part of me, and which I'm dealing with as best as I can. I am not a broken car waiting for a mechanic to fix me. 

I suppose there are a few reasons why I'm so hurt by this: 

1) I really, truly thought we'd be together a long time. I really loved him.

2) My illness has been used as an excuse for people to want out of my life before. Remember Kamen? I've grown much thicker skin since that break up, but ableist digs related to my mental illness still rile me up.

3) Most of all, I'm heartbroken because last week, during my depression, he told me he loved me and he'd always be here and that my Father's Day post was beautiful. Now I'm left to question whether he meant any of that.

It's time to move on.

Image Source: Gorgeous art by shirae, (you can buy it!).

You Should Definitely Break Up With Him

If you're a long-time Sparkler, you probably know I have a dreadful track record of dating the wrong people. I'm not sure if it's Borderline, bad luck, or (until relatively recently) the feeling that I didn't deserve a loving partner, in the true sense of both words, that's to blame. Probably all of the above.

I know it takes two to tango-- and we both stepped on each other's toes-- but I'm far from responsible for the emotional abuse I've endured. I could have been more patient, I could have been more understanding, I could have been less demanding, and maybe we would have lasted longer. But that doesn't excuse abusive behaviour. Nothing excuses abusive behaviour, EVER.

It doesn't matter if you remember his birthday, you iron his shirts, you pick up after yourself more often, you stop nagging him about that holiday you want to take together. It doesn't matter if you're the perfect girlfriend or you're practically a succubus; if he abuses you in any way, shape or form, dump him. You deserve better. You will find better. You are better off without him.

I'm not the poster child for finding the perfect life partner. I haven't dealt fully with the psychological damage of having been abused, obviously, since I've chosen abusive boyfriends again and again and somehow thought they'd stop hurting me and start loving me. But what I do know for sure, is I'm getting better. This relationship didn't last nearly as long as another did. I got out. And I know I deserve better.

So for now, unless the right person magically appears before me, I'm going to enjoy the single life. I'm going to focus on my career, my mental health and my platonic relationship. Sparklers, we deserve to be happy. Let's remember that.

5 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

Even if you don't believe in Mr. Right, there's definitely someone out there who's right for you. But how do you know you've found him? 

1 He's understanding of your disability. Never, ever settle for someone who thinks less of you because of your disability and how it affects your life. If he can't get past your medication, your cane, your weekly therapy or difficulty with things like stairs or numbers, he'll have to get past the fact that he's not good enough for you.

2 He makes you as happy as you make him. Relationships are full of give and take, but they're not healthy when they're all give and no take, or vice versa. Think about how he makes you feel, and how he responds to your words, your touch, your time together. Everyone deserves someone who makes them happy.

3 He pushes you to become the best you, you can be. This isn't to say he convinces you to take college class upgrades or makes you exercise 5 times a week (that's a little extreme, and may not even align with your goals!). A supportive partner simply encourages you to try new things, cheers you on as you race toward the finish line and dries your tears when you don't succeed, knowing you'll do better next time.

4 When you see little things that remind you of him, you smile. I believe healthy relationships (romantic or otherwise) lead to an increase in moments that make you smile. So if you see a car that looks like his, happen to wear his favourite colour or hear your song on the radio and can't help but grin, he's probably the one for you.

5 He makes time for you. Yes, we're adults so we have responsibilities. But being an adult means being able to make a choice to push all responsibilities to the side for a day because some things (or people) are just as important as work and school. Just like it's your job to feed yourself nutritious food three times a day, it's also your prerogative to occasionally eat cake for breakfast because it makes you happy.

Note: I know many of my readers identify as LGBTQ+ (myself included!). I simply use the masculine pronoun in this article for ease of understanding.

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What Not To Do When Your Girlfriend Has a Breakdown

Don't try to fix her. She is not a car that won't start. She is not a dog. She is not a cracked vase on your grandmother's mantel.

Don't smile and say "my love is the best therapy". Talk therapy and medication are the best therapy. (You wouldn't replace insulin with kisses, would you?)

And for the love of God, don't just disappear.

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Valentine's Day Ideas [2013]

This Valentine's Day. why don't you...

♥ Be your own valentine-- buy yourself flowers, eat something delicious, romance yourself!
♥ Give your sweetheart an amazing massage, a night at the movies, or a home-cooked meal.
♥ Re-read your favourite romantic novel.
♥ Write a love letter to someone you adore.
♥ Have a fancy dinner party.
♥ Go out on the town, solo.
♥ Cook dinner for your parents.
♥ Read this.
♥ Exchange copies of your favourite books with your best friends.
♥ Pop a bottle of pink champagne.
♥ Eat chocolate-covered fruit in the bath.
♥ Make out. (Keepin' it simple, right?!).
♥ Paint your nails red and pink, perhaps with little hearts and tons of glitter?
♥ Splurge on some luxurious lingerie.
♥ Bake a cake for your neighbours.
♥ Have a midnight picnic with your lover (dress code: underthings only), then read some erotica over dessert. Ooh la la!
♥ Take this advice.
♥ Send some valentines! These, these or these, perhaps?
♥ Eat something yummy & heart-shaped, like pavlova with Chantilly cream, a chocolate raspberry tart, or a Sacher torte with handmade truffles dusted with cocoa powder in three different shades?
♥ Buy one of these, one of these, one of these or some of these for some *ahem* adult fun.
♥ Eat heart-shaped eggs for breakfast or lunch with your room mates.

Just remember that Valentine's Day is all about love-- whether it's self-love, romantic love, or love for friends or family. However you choose to celebrate, have a wonderful day!

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When Someone You "Like" Gets Married

I feel strange writing about this topic, because it seems like something people in their 30s are worried about--not me. Not people my age. Part of me is convinced I'm still a kid.

So... News that a girl I went to school with-- and, okay, had a major crush on-- was getting married is a huge wake up call.

Her wedding was today. I didn't go.

I genuinely was busy today, but I also didn't want to go, because for the past couple years, on-and-off, I've been hung up on her.

I feel pathetic writing that out. But it's true. (And I did promise to be real with you, readers).

I'm pretty sure that I feel this way because she's the first girl that I was attracted to, and that crush helped me cement my identity as bisexual.

So here's how I'm dealing. I hope this post helps you if you're in a similar situation.

4 things to remember when someone you like liked gets married:

1 View it as closure. Allow yourself to move on.

2 Remember it's not about you. She's not getting married to spite you or to hurt you. It has nothing to do with you. She's in love. Let her be happy.

3 Know that it didn't work out between you for a reason. This is for the best. Accept that.

4 Be happy for her. That's the healthiest with this situation. This is for the best-- for you and for her.

Have you been in a situation like this? How did you cope?

An Open Letter To Anonymous Haters

Dear Anonymous Haters who post nasty comments on my blog,

I am flattered. Truly. Not only do you take the time to read my work, but you meticulously craft scathing responses to my every post. You are so good at sharing your hateful words in a timely manner (within a day of my updates-- wow!) but you word them so creatively, so eloquently. For example: "dear becca, my responze to your last post is fuck ylou".

Oh god. That stung!

Also, you are very brave, leaving an anonymous comment on a not-yet-popular blog. That takes guts, doesn't it?

Here's another gem:

I told Kamen you'd blogged about him.
And everytime you mention him, I will tell him. You may be hurt by whatever he ''did'' but Stop talking fucking shit about him over and over again. You say you're done with him but you're not. Youre using him to get fucking sympathy for nothing, thats just cruel. Stop trying to make out you've done fuck all wrong when youve caused more damaage than anyone else.

1 Ooh, I'm so scared someone told Kamen I'd blogged about him!
2 You put 'did' in quotation marks?! Now you're serious! I am shaking in my boots. For realz.
3 I'm talking "fucking shit" about him? Not just "shit", but "fucking shit"? Actually, anon, I'm talking "fucking shit" about you right now. You must feel so special.
4 What is "damaage"? Is that pronounced 'dahm-aw-j".

These are just the latest comments. The others I didn't care to post because making up snarky responses to them all is a waste of my time.

And next time I write an open letter, I think it'll be responses to my favourite positive comments from my dedicated readers (other than Victoria, because she's a cunt).

"My Enemy is My Teacher"

This post from Metta Drum couldn't have come at a better time for me.

Daniel Collinsworth asks, "Who is your enemy? The one who talks down to you and criticizes your work? The one who treats you carelessly? The one who puts obstacles in your path and makes your life more difficult?"

That sounds like Kamen.

Collinsworth continues, "When I accept that I am responsible for my attitude and my actions, in the face of resistance from someone else. I do not pass this responsibility onto them. I stand strong in my own sense of stillness and peace.

"This is a far cry from defeat. This is, in fact, the ultimate victory: the victory over yourself. Here, you have transcended a layer of the story-telling ego and expanded into a state of liberation. Here, you have empowered yourself to act consciously and compassionately, because you aren’t locked into a game of me vs. them. And here, there is revolution and growth".

When I read these words, in my mind, I joyously screamed, YES!!!

I'm hurt, but I'm not angry. I accept what happened, how I feel and how he is acting. I accept my role in our (lack of) relationship. Instead of acting childishly & focusing on our fallout, I will move on and be happy and healthy.

Being the bigger person may not be as much fun as spilling his secrets (and believe me, there are juicy ones) or poking fun at his numerous flaws, but it does teach me how strong, decent and compassionate I can be.

Kamen responds to my last post + an update

---> Scroll down for the update.

You know that feeling when a tiny part of you regrets a decision, but the universe decides to show you you made the right choice? You're sick with remorse until Karma or what ever deity you believe in proves to you you were right, and you feel better.

That's how I feel right now.

Kamen decided to comment on my last post. Here's his comment, word for word:

"You fucken (sic) liar. My (sic) there was a new text from Victoria, it wasn't open to her name. You can't "accidently" (sic) open it."

I can't believe I used to take that shit from him. His suspicions, his lack of trust, his siding with anyone but me all the time. Not to mention that horrendous spelling... ;)

But his actions demonstrate a few things to me.

1 He misses me. (And that sucks for him). Why else would he read my blog? It's good quality writing, but I doubt that's it. I mean, you should see his bookshelf. (Lousy with a capital L).

2 He's immature. There's no need for me to waste time with someone like that.

3 Karma definitely exists.

So Kamen, I hope you like this post even more than you enjoyed the last.

And darling readers, learn to recognize your own worth. That will save you a lot of valuable time & prevent a lot of heartbreak.


Here's another comment, this time from an anonymous.

"Dear, you are all sorts of delusional and I really think you should have that seen to (sic). You're lying not only to yourself, but to strangers on the internet to get sympathy. I'm not saying Kamen isn't in the wrong in some points, but not in the ways you're claiming."

Okay, "dear", I'll gratify you with a real response when you have the guts not to be anonymous.

And another from Kamen. Is all he does all day think about me? Probably.

"I read your blog because I got an email update, judging by the name of it, I assumed it involved me.

I wouldn't give a flying fuck if it weren't for the little details you left out.
This is half your fault too.

You have lack of trust for going threw (sic) my stuff
Not once did I read a thing of yours with out asking.

Ps. Every time I was "asleep" talking to you, I remember everything. I know you locked me out of my phone because I wouldn't tell you the passcode.

I know you tried to get me to talk about shit.

I'm not immature, I'd like to see you deal with half the things I'm responsible for."

It's nice that he wouldn't have given a flying fuck, because he clearly did give a fuck.

Anyway. I'm aware that it takes two to make a relationship work or not work. I'm also aware of who put the most work in, toward the end: me. Afterall, did Kamen even try to come to Toronto to see me? No. I went to Florida twice (and was planning a third trip). And I take some responsibility for our relationship not working (although the lies he posted on my blog are obviously not true). And being truly mature means not having to say you aren't immature.

I'm done wasting my time on you, Kamen and anonymous. I have much better things to do with my time.

On Break-Ups

I've been in three (romantic) relationships. All three were disasters. All three break-ups were disasters. But I've learned a lot from them.

Break-up #1

I was 18. Serge was 20. The experienced, slightly older guy. I think that's all I saw in him. That, and he seemed to like me, which made my self-esteem swell.

Things started going downhill when he said "you have such a good head on your shoulders! You mustn't really suffer from depression. You don't need antidepressants". I thought I could overlook that ignorance, but he started telling me to change numerous things about myself-- my weight, my hair colour, my taste in music.

What really got to me was when he said he'd be away for the weekend and couldn't talk. And he didn't get in touch with me until a week later, when he said he'd made the whole thing up, he was just sick of me.

I know I can be clingy. But that was unnacceptable.

What I learned:

It's healthy to evolve in a relationship, or to improve or change little things about yourself to make the other person happy. But when you're expected to become a completely different person just to make your lover happy? Dealbreaker.

Break-up #2

Siri was a lovely, curvy blonde from Norway. We loved the same music, Scandinavian culture & burlesque.

Three things tore us apart: Distance. My Borderline (I wasn't dealing with it well at the time, at all). Her insecurity.

And her friends interfered in our relationship. A lot. I'm not ready to talk about that part though.

What I learned:

Some relationships just can't be saved. Just hope you grew as a person & keep calm and carry on.

Break-Up #3

This is the big one. It's still a raw, open wound. It happened today.

Kamen and I were friends. We met through a mutual friend named Nelly. She's English. Kamen's American. I'm Canadian. Of course distance was a problem from the start. (WHY do I always fall for people who live far away?!).

We each developed a crush on each other... And I confessed it during a late-night facebook chat. He said that he felt the same way. Within a couple months, our crushes turned into love. I'd never felt like that about a person before. I thought we'd last forever.

I went to visit him in the summer, then again in September. I took the bus, because it was all I could afford. I spent at least 70 hours total on buses & in Greyhound stations, but I felt it was worth it. I'd do anything for him. Anything.

Toward the end of my stay with him (the very end of November 2011), I had to look up an address. He let me use his phone (I didn't have wifi or 3G that day). I'm not used to Androids so I accidentally hit a button that brought up his latest text messages. Messages from his friend Victoria (who I thought was my friend, too), belittling me for suffering from a mental illness, making light of my emotions, & worst of all, saying I'd kill myself if he left me, but he had to because I was a crazy bitch.

I understand being angry. I know things are said out of spite and hurt sometimes. But making light of a serious mental illness? Laughing about something I'd only ever confided in him about, with his friend? That crossed a line.

Our relationship slowly died after that. And now it's fucking dead and buried. I'm better off that way.

I'm still trying to figure out what the lesson I've learned from this relationship is. So far, here's what I've got: Travelling across the continent alone has shown me I'm braver and more independent than I thought. Dealing with my suicidal thoughts, panic attacks & his cruelty regarding them has made me a much stronger person. But most importantly:

I'm not bitter. I still believe in love. Even if, romantically, I'm alone for the rest of my life, I know love is real, because the empathy my friends and family have shown me is pure and wonderful and exsquisite. Plus, love isn't just romance. I'm in love with books, cities, feelings & ideas.

"My faith in love in still devout"...