Thank you for almost 2 years of fabulousness & for reading my (over) 250 posts! I couldn't have done it without you.
Here's to much love and many more years of Fashion / Beauty / Body Image!
Photo: Marilyn Monroe by?
Showing posts with label Rebecca. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rebecca. Show all posts
250 Posts!
Thank you for almost 2 years of fabulousness & for reading my (over) 250 posts! I couldn't have done it without you.
Here's to much love and many more years of Fashion / Beauty / Body Image!
Photo: Marilyn Monroe by?
"Blurgh!" [Halloween 2011]
I'm totally not spending Halloween like this... Really! Um...
I didn't expect to spend Halloween like this... doing homework, wearing pjs, watching 30 Rock reruns with no one but my boyfriend's cat to keep me company.
I was contemplating staying in bed, wallowing in my loneliness, but I'm trying to make the best of being home alone in the middle of nowhere.
So here's to drinking ice water + pretending it's wine, finding solace in favourite TV shows + buying Halloween candy 'cause you're too old to go trick-or-treating.
Happy Halloween!
Happy Birthday, Becca!
I celebrated my twentieth birthday today. I believe that, no matter your age, you have wisdom to impart to the world. So here's mine:
• Do what makes you happy.
• It's okay to be different. In fact, you will find that you're not 'weird' or 'fucked up'; you're special, and the people who love you will see that.
• Laughter and sex are not mutually exclusive.
• Reading "health" magazines is actually bad for your health.
• It's okay to ask for help.
• Sometimes when we're stressed, we forget to breathe. Stop and take a deep breath. You'll feel better.
• You're never too old for Toy Story.
• A change of scenery can change your life. Sometimes a trip is exactly what you need.
• Never doubt the power of hugs to bring people closer together-- not just literally.
• Self-love is essential. You are worth loving. Celebrate!
• Drinking multiple glasses of water each day is very good for you.
• Your true friends will stand by you, no matter what.
• Birthday cake is delicious year-round (not just on your birthday!).
• Learning to love your body is probably a lifelong process, so you had best get started now! It's worth it, and so are you.
• That old cliche, "age is just a number" is absolutely correct.
• Once in a while, ice cream for breakfast is divine.
A Year of Books + Films
When I turned 19, I decided to record every book I read and film I watched for a year. The whole project made me more mindful of the media I consume every day + what interests me. I discovered a lot more about myself in the process, than I thought I would.
You'll find the lists below. I highly suggest that you try this too!
20th Year Movies
You'll find the lists below. I highly suggest that you try this too!
20th Year Books
Consolation by Michael Redhill
Tuesdays With Morrie
Bound to Please: A History of the Victorian Corset
Water For Elephants
Chocolat
The Story of O
Justine
The Poison Eaters by Holly Black
Truth Dare or Promise by Paula Boock
Holding Still For As Long As Possible by Zoe Whittall
It Gets Better
Bossypants
The Stream Runs Fast by Nellie McClung
A Taste of Honey
Bottle Rocket Hearts by Zoe Whittall
Kingdom Hearts volume 3
Kingdom Hearts volume 4
Fuck This Book
Kingdom Hearts volume 1
Rage by Julie Anne Peters
Moominvalley in November
Luna by Julie Anne Peters
Define "Normal" by Julie Anne Peters
20th Year Movies
Chloe
Salt (x3)
The Runaways (x3)
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Life As We Know It
Nine
Madama Butterfly
Dear John
Mamma Mia
Four Christmases
Ramona and Beezus
Elf (x2)
Leap Year
The September Issue
Rent on Broadway
Toy Story 3 (x5)
Eat Pray Love
Alice In Wonderland (2010)
Adventureland (x3)
Despicable Me (x4)
500 Days of Summer (x3)
Remember Me
The Tourist
Easy A (x5)
Julie and Julia
Pride and Prejudice
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Toy Story
Toy Story 2 (x3)
Monsters Inc
Ratatouille
Definitely, Maybe (x13)
A Bill of Divorcement
The Dilemma
Paperman (x3)
Buried
The Princess and The Frog (x3)
Valentine's Day
Wuthering Heights
The Seven Year Itch
The Perfect Vagina
Laughing With Hitler
The Big Lift (x5)
Judgement At Nuremberg
Laurel and Hardy Highlights
Les Miserables (Concert)
Benny and Joon
Some Like It Hot
Phoebe in Wonderland
Let the Right One In (x3)
The Trotsky (x2)
Killers
The Great Dictator
Sweeney Todd
Freaky Friday
Black Swan (x3)
You Me and Dupree
An Education
Water For Elephants
Bridesmaids
How To Train Your Dragon
Vampires Suck
Zombieland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 1
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2
Pocahontas
Mulan
Titanic
Juno
TiLT 8.9.2011
I know Things I Love Thursday is usually about little things that make us happy, but this week I also have some bigger thrills to divulge!Firstly, yesterday was mine and Kamen's anniversary!! I am grateful beyond words to have such an incredible sweetheart + all I can ask is for many, many more years with him. Happy anniversary, beloved.
Number two? This week a lot of Canadian students went back to school. And I'm not one of them!! I love learning, as is evident in the multitude of topics I research + write about, but I thrive in less-structured environments than schools tend to be. So I'm doing a writing program by correspondence through University of Toronto, and that makes me very happy.
Now, on to the little things!
<3 Mad Men marathons with my mom.<3 Listening to the same album multiple times in a row (in a single day!!) And never tiring of it.<3 Vanilla bean ice cream.What made you smile this week?
the past few days...
The past few days have been really hard. I keep alternating between two different moods, thanks to my Borderline.
1 I push everyone away, am angry or sad, don't trust anyone, feel like breaking something, or 2 I'm desperate to be held and kissed and comforted by Kamen and terrified of being alone.
Either way, I've been crying a lot. This is so hard.
Thank you, all of you who have been here for me. It really means a lot <3. I'll be back to "normal" soon!
1 I push everyone away, am angry or sad, don't trust anyone, feel like breaking something, or 2 I'm desperate to be held and kissed and comforted by Kamen and terrified of being alone.
Either way, I've been crying a lot. This is so hard.
Thank you, all of you who have been here for me. It really means a lot <3. I'll be back to "normal" soon!
7 Easy Body Image Boosters + Love Twenty
Marion Cotillard for Elle France
I am very excited to announce that I have joined Love Twenty's team of writers!! I'm thrilled to be a part of such an awesome online resource for women.
My first article will be live on the site very soon, but I wanted to give my wonderful Etched In Tin readers a taste before anyone else on the web!!
So, without further ado, here are 4 (of 7!) Easy Body Image Boosters.
:) Write out a list of all the little things you like about your appearance. For example: 'I have fabulous legs'. 'My arms look awesome when I wear sleeveless tops'. 'I love how my eyes pop when I wear bright liner'. On 'ugly days', go over your list for a boost!
:) Find a go-to clothing item that you always feel great in, be it a perfectly tailored pair of pants, sky-high heels or a little black dress.
:) Check out the Health At Every Size (HAES) movement. HAES embraces the fact that we all have different sizes and shapes and health is more important than fitting society's beauty ideals.
:) Cover your walls with photos and magazine clippings of your body image role models. Think of women who are comfortable with their figures, no matter what they look like. Emulate their confidence. Ideas to start your collection: Lizzie Miller (plus size model), your best friends,
Christina Hendricks, Beth Ditto, Lady Gaga.What would you add, gorgeous?
How To: Help a Loved One Cope With Her Mental Illness
Thanks to the devastating stigma attached to mental illness + the lack of research on most disorders, coming out as suffering from a mental illness is terrifying. Your loved one trusts you enough to have divulged this information. Bravo! You're on the right track! A support system is vital, especially for those combating severe disorders such as Schizophrenia, Bipolar or a personality disorder.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The intense, unpredictable moods, irrational fears and feelings of vulnerability within relationships that it leads me to have impact my life every single day. Every moment, I am grateful for the people in my life who love me enough to stand by me, even when it's unbelievably hard.
A couple of days ago, during a particularly difficult episode, I talked to my ever-supportive boyfriend, Kamen.
I choked, "There's no way you could possibly want me, especially forever!" Through sobs, I continued, "Are you sure you love me enough to deal with decades of my fucked up meltdowns?!" BPD leads me to believe (almost always incorrectly, despite how real it feels) that the world is about to end and no one loves me... And on and on the terrifying thoughts go... It sounds over-dramatic, but I feel everything with this intensity, if not more.
But he simply said, "I'm damn positive".
I took deep breaths as he continued to reassure me that everything was okay and he loves me very much. I was soon able to calm down.
Your loved one is so lucky to have someone who cares enough to stand by her. Sometimes it can be difficult to know how to be there for her, especially if you have never experienced what she is going through. As someone who has a mental illness and helps others cope with their own, I've compiled a list to help you out.
Be empathetic. As painful as the position you're in is, recognize that your lover is hurting even more. Not only must she cope with her illness' symptoms on a regular basis, but she knows her illness pains you too.
Learn everything you can about the disorder. When I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism (SM), my mom read every article, newspaper clipping and book about SM she could get her hands on. Knowledge is power! Perhaps your loved one can share the books or websites that helped her.
Consider joining a support group for family, friends or lovers. You'll get some unique perspective and build a support network.
Recognize that your loved one is not her disease, BUT that it does affect her day-to-day life in a large, noticeable and uncontrollable way. Know that she has no say in this matter. Reassure her that you know it's hard and that as long as she does her best and remembers that you are there for her, everything will be okay.
Most importantly: Take care of yourself. Being there for your loved one is essential, but so is your own mental health. Never forget that! Take time to explore healthy coping skills of your own, be they meditation, making art or talking to someone you trust.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The intense, unpredictable moods, irrational fears and feelings of vulnerability within relationships that it leads me to have impact my life every single day. Every moment, I am grateful for the people in my life who love me enough to stand by me, even when it's unbelievably hard.
A couple of days ago, during a particularly difficult episode, I talked to my ever-supportive boyfriend, Kamen.
I choked, "There's no way you could possibly want me, especially forever!" Through sobs, I continued, "Are you sure you love me enough to deal with decades of my fucked up meltdowns?!" BPD leads me to believe (almost always incorrectly, despite how real it feels) that the world is about to end and no one loves me... And on and on the terrifying thoughts go... It sounds over-dramatic, but I feel everything with this intensity, if not more.
But he simply said, "I'm damn positive".
I took deep breaths as he continued to reassure me that everything was okay and he loves me very much. I was soon able to calm down.
Your loved one is so lucky to have someone who cares enough to stand by her. Sometimes it can be difficult to know how to be there for her, especially if you have never experienced what she is going through. As someone who has a mental illness and helps others cope with their own, I've compiled a list to help you out.
Be empathetic. As painful as the position you're in is, recognize that your lover is hurting even more. Not only must she cope with her illness' symptoms on a regular basis, but she knows her illness pains you too.
Learn everything you can about the disorder. When I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism (SM), my mom read every article, newspaper clipping and book about SM she could get her hands on. Knowledge is power! Perhaps your loved one can share the books or websites that helped her.
Consider joining a support group for family, friends or lovers. You'll get some unique perspective and build a support network.
Recognize that your loved one is not her disease, BUT that it does affect her day-to-day life in a large, noticeable and uncontrollable way. Know that she has no say in this matter. Reassure her that you know it's hard and that as long as she does her best and remembers that you are there for her, everything will be okay.
Most importantly: Take care of yourself. Being there for your loved one is essential, but so is your own mental health. Never forget that! Take time to explore healthy coping skills of your own, be they meditation, making art or talking to someone you trust.
Getting this off my chest...
I'm posting sooner than I expected to be. I need to get this off my chest. Maybe it will help you, too. Here goes:
I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm stressed about school, despite how soon it will be over. I'm nervous about being nervous about my upcoming trip.
I see my entire life stretched out before me, this vast expanse of beautiful, crisp, clean canvas waiting for me to paint all over it in all my favourite colours. That's not scary for me; it's empowering.
What is scary for me? I'm afraid of my mental illness holding me back from achieving my dreams.
I guess it's normal to fear that something that's limited you for a long time will limit you for the rest of your life. When I was Selectively Mute, I thought I would never be able to speak in public, despite how hard I was working to cope with my anxiety. Maybe this is the same sort of situation. I'm scared I'll never be happy and successful because I've spent a long time not being happy or successful.
This self-fulfilling prophecy stops here.
When I am aware of them, I will question my unhealthy thoughts, my Borderline tendencies. I know I won't catch them all the time and I know I won't always be able to control them (afterall, Borderline Personality Disorder is chronic). But trying counts for a lot. I can do this.
And whatever you're struggling with, whether it's your (or a loved one's) mental illness, a big change on your horizon or something completely different, I know you can do it, too.
I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm stressed about school, despite how soon it will be over. I'm nervous about being nervous about my upcoming trip.
I see my entire life stretched out before me, this vast expanse of beautiful, crisp, clean canvas waiting for me to paint all over it in all my favourite colours. That's not scary for me; it's empowering.
What is scary for me? I'm afraid of my mental illness holding me back from achieving my dreams.
I guess it's normal to fear that something that's limited you for a long time will limit you for the rest of your life. When I was Selectively Mute, I thought I would never be able to speak in public, despite how hard I was working to cope with my anxiety. Maybe this is the same sort of situation. I'm scared I'll never be happy and successful because I've spent a long time not being happy or successful.
This self-fulfilling prophecy stops here.
When I am aware of them, I will question my unhealthy thoughts, my Borderline tendencies. I know I won't catch them all the time and I know I won't always be able to control them (afterall, Borderline Personality Disorder is chronic). But trying counts for a lot. I can do this.
And whatever you're struggling with, whether it's your (or a loved one's) mental illness, a big change on your horizon or something completely different, I know you can do it, too.
Fuck Plan B + A Celebratory Edition of Tuesday Tunes
You're passionate about something-- maybe it's writing, baking or making music. You happen to be really good at that something, too. You're determined to make a career out of it. But-- everyone around you says "That's nice. It'll never work. What's plan b?".
I know the feeling. Growing up, my creativity was praised, but I was pressured into taking classes I hated "just in case". I was made to stress over my math marks "in case you want to be a teacher, if writing doesn't work out for you". I never wanted to be a teacher. I was never good at math. I never even liked math. I was sent to summer camp instead of being allowed time to read novels and write poetry.
I know my parents and educators meant well, but sometimes meaning well doesn't cut it. Neither does following the advice that's perpetuated by well-meaning (albeit clueless) peers and 'mentors'.
If you're fortunate enough to be in love with something you're good at, embrace it. Don't fight it in the name of being 'sane' or 'practical'. Don't waste your time "building extravagantly safe back-up plans" when you could be honing your craft and growing more enamoured by the second, of whatever it is that makes your heart sing.
On that note: last night was life-changing. I felt so validated and empowered by the twittersphere, especially by my favourite DIY-er/artist/musician (quite possibly my favourite person, period), Amanda Palmer. Amanda announced on her twitter, "so i advised @tomdickins to "fuck plan b" and he actually quit his job & is now ready to starve & toil".
That's when twitter started to go insane. Countless tweets about "fucking plan b" poured in. I sent my own tweet to Amanda: "Would you advise a young writer, just out of school, to also "fuck plan b"? I am [fucking plan b]. Everyone I know thinks I'm crazy. Worth it?". She replied, "fucking plan b is often the only way forward".
That settles it.
Furthermore, "...even failing plan a spectacularly is better than half-assing it from behind plan b".
Amanda has no idea how many young artists, poets, dreamers and others she's inspired to just do it, to dive in, work on what makes them happy and "fuck plan b". I am one of many. And that's an incredible, exhilarating feeling.
While you're soaking up the euphoria that comes from being told yes, you can make a career out of what makes you happy and yes, it's been done before and you can do it too and yes, your happiness matters...
It's Tuesday Tunes here at etched in tin. In honour of "fuck plan b"... This week's edition features independent musician Tom Dickins. His EP just came out. It's fabulous. It's called Majesty and Misery + can be yours for just $5. Go buy it!
While you're at it, Amanda Palmer's Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under is just $0.69 + features Tom on the song "Bad Wine and Lemon Cake". Download it too!
Finally, the thought I most want to leave you with: You can do this. Fuck plan b. Your happiness is worth it.
I wanted to die
Warning: This post discusses suicide + therefore might be triggering.
Another note: Please understand that I am NOT suicidal anymore. I'm fine. It's something that hits me, out of the blue (because I have Borderline Personality Disorder). I am NOT talking about this to scare you, nor because I want attention, but because someone, anyone needs to step up and be open about their struggles with mental illness. One of these brave people is going to be me.
I wanted to die.
I spent all day secretly planning my suicide.
In the evening, I started panicking.
I was being torn apart from the inside.
Sobbing. Clawing at my skin, wanting to cut, desperately.
Finally, I called him. It was almost 2 am and I said, "I need you. I want to die. Except I really don't want to die!".
He talked to me. He said, "I believe in us. And Becca, I do love you".
I thought: a life without meaning isn't a life at all.
I can listen to music. I can write. If my Love believes in me, I can believe that I have a future (and a future with him).
That is meaning enough for me.
Breathe.
One step at a time, I come away from the water's edge. The pills and liquor remain in their bottles. The razor is far from my skin; there is barely a mark on my flesh, no crimson to be seen.
I'll be okay.
Another note: Please understand that I am NOT suicidal anymore. I'm fine. It's something that hits me, out of the blue (because I have Borderline Personality Disorder). I am NOT talking about this to scare you, nor because I want attention, but because someone, anyone needs to step up and be open about their struggles with mental illness. One of these brave people is going to be me.
I wanted to die.
I spent all day secretly planning my suicide.
In the evening, I started panicking.
I was being torn apart from the inside.
Sobbing. Clawing at my skin, wanting to cut, desperately.
Finally, I called him. It was almost 2 am and I said, "I need you. I want to die. Except I really don't want to die!".
He talked to me. He said, "I believe in us. And Becca, I do love you".
I thought: a life without meaning isn't a life at all.
I can listen to music. I can write. If my Love believes in me, I can believe that I have a future (and a future with him).
That is meaning enough for me.
Breathe.
One step at a time, I come away from the water's edge. The pills and liquor remain in their bottles. The razor is far from my skin; there is barely a mark on my flesh, no crimson to be seen.
I'll be okay.
poetry etched in tin
If you enjoy etched in tin, poetry and romance, please check out poetry etched in tin!! You'll love it (: The blog houses my poetry, prose and ramblings on all things love. It's going to be updated very shortly... go, go, go!!
And don't worry... etched in tin will never, ever be abandoned. This is my main site and I adore you for reading.
xox Becca
And don't worry... etched in tin will never, ever be abandoned. This is my main site and I adore you for reading.
xox Becca
'Hold On To These Words', Or How Music Saved My Life
WARNING: This post may be triggering (contains discussion of suicidal thoughts).
I sat at the lake, feeling melancholy and pensive, but mostly just tired... Tired of life. Tired of contemplating taking my life.
Mostly, this suicidality had been impulsive. The thoughts just came. I swatted them like flies. Occasionally, they gripped me with such force that I honestly considered giving in. It was twisted and terrifying, but I fantasized about death.
This was one of those days. I sat on a concrete ledge, feet dangling, looking out over Lake Ontario. I wanted to be one with the cold water. It would be poetic and tragic and sure, a little cliche (think Ophelia)... But a few gasps for air, a few moments in the frigid water, and it would all be over.
But something inside me whispered, "Hold on to these words/I'd like to think that they may offer/Some protection/Against the night..."
Watching myself, as if on a movie screen, I saw a girl who wanted to jump, but didn't. Who felt drowning was the only way, until she heard that song. These revelations didn't happen in real life... Did they?
"Against the night/Your life can feel transparent/A reflection/A trick of light..."
To be sure, Jason Webley's song didn't make my mental illness go away. It didn't "cure" me. There is no cure. These words didn't even make the thoughts go away. But it awakened something in me... Hope. I hadn't felt hope in a long time.
We, as humans, need something, anything, to keep us going. Simply existing is not enough. People who are so-called "normal", healthy, don't usually have to think about this. People who, like me, sometimes struggle to cope, have frequent "existential crises": What are we living for? How will get through the hard times? Why should we bother?
"So when sleep just won't come/And you've got no occupation/But nibbling at the fruit/Of the melancholy tree/Just hold on to these words/Hold on to me..."
Call it Logotherapy. Call it The Meaning Of Life. Call it "protection against the night". Just find it. Cling to it. Never let it go. Collect the little things that prove to you that life is worth living, that you are worth loving, that life is worth loving.
That day at the lake? I didn't jump. I wept and pressed replay.
| | |
A year later... here I am. Jason Webley is still a fixture on my mp3 playlist. I even saw him perform last night at Mitzi's Sister (a Toronto bar). It was incredible-- but that goes without saying.
This blog post started as an open letter of thanks (to Jason), but it evolved into so much more. I hope I've changed some circumstance, for some one out there. Maybe I've introduced you to new music? maybe I've inspired you to seek help? Maybe I've simply shown you that art has an incredible ability to heal.
Whatever you take away from this, hold on to it. Let it make you stronger.
"So when sleep just won't come/And you've got no occupation/But nibbling at the fruit/Of the melancholy tree/Just hold on to these words/Hold on to me..."
Photo by Me
I sat at the lake, feeling melancholy and pensive, but mostly just tired... Tired of life. Tired of contemplating taking my life.
Mostly, this suicidality had been impulsive. The thoughts just came. I swatted them like flies. Occasionally, they gripped me with such force that I honestly considered giving in. It was twisted and terrifying, but I fantasized about death.
This was one of those days. I sat on a concrete ledge, feet dangling, looking out over Lake Ontario. I wanted to be one with the cold water. It would be poetic and tragic and sure, a little cliche (think Ophelia)... But a few gasps for air, a few moments in the frigid water, and it would all be over.
But something inside me whispered, "Hold on to these words/I'd like to think that they may offer/Some protection/Against the night..."
Watching myself, as if on a movie screen, I saw a girl who wanted to jump, but didn't. Who felt drowning was the only way, until she heard that song. These revelations didn't happen in real life... Did they?
"Against the night/Your life can feel transparent/A reflection/A trick of light..."
To be sure, Jason Webley's song didn't make my mental illness go away. It didn't "cure" me. There is no cure. These words didn't even make the thoughts go away. But it awakened something in me... Hope. I hadn't felt hope in a long time.
We, as humans, need something, anything, to keep us going. Simply existing is not enough. People who are so-called "normal", healthy, don't usually have to think about this. People who, like me, sometimes struggle to cope, have frequent "existential crises": What are we living for? How will get through the hard times? Why should we bother?
"So when sleep just won't come/And you've got no occupation/But nibbling at the fruit/Of the melancholy tree/Just hold on to these words/Hold on to me..."
Call it Logotherapy. Call it The Meaning Of Life. Call it "protection against the night". Just find it. Cling to it. Never let it go. Collect the little things that prove to you that life is worth living, that you are worth loving, that life is worth loving.
That day at the lake? I didn't jump. I wept and pressed replay.
| | |
A year later... here I am. Jason Webley is still a fixture on my mp3 playlist. I even saw him perform last night at Mitzi's Sister (a Toronto bar). It was incredible-- but that goes without saying.
This blog post started as an open letter of thanks (to Jason), but it evolved into so much more. I hope I've changed some circumstance, for some one out there. Maybe I've introduced you to new music? maybe I've inspired you to seek help? Maybe I've simply shown you that art has an incredible ability to heal.
Whatever you take away from this, hold on to it. Let it make you stronger.
"So when sleep just won't come/And you've got no occupation/But nibbling at the fruit/Of the melancholy tree/Just hold on to these words/Hold on to me..."
I feel awesome right now.
I got 5 and a half hours of sleep last night. And maybe that's not such a bad thing for me...
Here's the backstory:
When I was in the seventh grade, I was what's known as a "short sleeper". I could go to bed at midnight and get up at 6 am, completely alert and ecstatic to start my day. Those six hours were refreshing. I'd down a glass of juice or cup of tea, check my email, get dressed and be lounging on the couch, reading, before anyone else in the house had even stirred.
A couple years after this, a little after my fifteenth birthday, as most of my friends and readers know, my anxiety took a turn for the worse. Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder first began to take hold. I started getting really tired, really fast. Sleep was never restorative. I was sad or numb almost all the time.
Just over four years later, I'm finally recovering. I'm on antidepressants for the depression. I'm on Ativan and I practice deep breathing and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques for the anxiety. I'm in therapy and I paint and meditate for the BPD. I was recently prescribed huge doses of iron to treat my newly-discovered severe anemia, which I'm told is behind my constant fatigue.
Back to this morning. I fell asleep chatting with my sweetheart, around 1 am. It's 6:30 and I'm wide awake. The sun is peeking out from behind the clouds. I've taken a dose of iron, two capsules of Effexor XR and chugged a bottle of water. The cat is sitting in my lap. I have a bowl of my very favourite fruit (raspberries!) and I can really taste their delicious, vibrant tart sweetness.
This morning, I'm so alive. I hope it lasts. I'm full of hope and passion and vividity.
I feel awesome right now.
Here's the backstory:
When I was in the seventh grade, I was what's known as a "short sleeper". I could go to bed at midnight and get up at 6 am, completely alert and ecstatic to start my day. Those six hours were refreshing. I'd down a glass of juice or cup of tea, check my email, get dressed and be lounging on the couch, reading, before anyone else in the house had even stirred.
A couple years after this, a little after my fifteenth birthday, as most of my friends and readers know, my anxiety took a turn for the worse. Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder first began to take hold. I started getting really tired, really fast. Sleep was never restorative. I was sad or numb almost all the time.
Just over four years later, I'm finally recovering. I'm on antidepressants for the depression. I'm on Ativan and I practice deep breathing and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques for the anxiety. I'm in therapy and I paint and meditate for the BPD. I was recently prescribed huge doses of iron to treat my newly-discovered severe anemia, which I'm told is behind my constant fatigue.
Back to this morning. I fell asleep chatting with my sweetheart, around 1 am. It's 6:30 and I'm wide awake. The sun is peeking out from behind the clouds. I've taken a dose of iron, two capsules of Effexor XR and chugged a bottle of water. The cat is sitting in my lap. I have a bowl of my very favourite fruit (raspberries!) and I can really taste their delicious, vibrant tart sweetness.
This morning, I'm so alive. I hope it lasts. I'm full of hope and passion and vividity.
I feel awesome right now.
Past, Present, Future...
I find myself thinking quite a lot about last October, lately. Perhaps it's a romanticized, oft-dreamed-about version, but nonetheless... Last October was magical.
I spent time in one of my favourite cities (Montreal), experienced the most incredible show I have ever been to (Emilie Autumn!!) and was the mad girl I am today, albeit a slightly more emotionally healthy (I like to think so, anyway) and less huge (by that, I mean a size 14-ish rather than a size 18-ish, which feels like a big difference). I was also attending school and excelling there more frequently than I am now. Much more frequently.
Then again!!....
This month (February) has been pretty great too:
Last year I hated my body, and this year I'm learning to love it, even though it's bigger. My anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills are finally working. I'm poly, out-and-proud. I have an amazing girlfriend and a wonderful boyfriend. Even though my friends and I don't spend much time together, when we do, words can't describe how ecstatic I am. I have discovered the brilliance of red velvet cupcakes, champagne and listening to opera while enjoying a bubble bath.
If I keep this up (with some help of course <3) and recreate last October, maybe things will be better than the present and even better than before....
Here's hoping. xo
I spent time in one of my favourite cities (Montreal), experienced the most incredible show I have ever been to (Emilie Autumn!!) and was the mad girl I am today, albeit a slightly more emotionally healthy (I like to think so, anyway) and less huge (by that, I mean a size 14-ish rather than a size 18-ish, which feels like a big difference). I was also attending school and excelling there more frequently than I am now. Much more frequently.
Then again!!....
This month (February) has been pretty great too:
Last year I hated my body, and this year I'm learning to love it, even though it's bigger. My anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills are finally working. I'm poly, out-and-proud. I have an amazing girlfriend and a wonderful boyfriend. Even though my friends and I don't spend much time together, when we do, words can't describe how ecstatic I am. I have discovered the brilliance of red velvet cupcakes, champagne and listening to opera while enjoying a bubble bath.
If I keep this up (with some help of course <3) and recreate last October, maybe things will be better than the present and even better than before....
Here's hoping. xo
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