Panic Is a Pain for Everyone It Touches

My mom had suggested we take a walk, and I was looking forward to both the company and the fresh air. 

"I'll meet you outside," she said. I smiled and replied that I'd be just a minute. I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse. Just as I was about to leave the house... Panic attack. Accompanied by physical illness.

I started hyperventilating, praying this wasn't happening, Beads of sweat formed on my forehead. I suddenly felt like I was going to fall over. All typical panic attack stuff.

Maman rushed back into the house when she heard me, held my hand and wiped my forehead. "It's okay. Just sit and relax. Have a Gravol. We'll go out another time". 

"No, I know how much you wanted to go for a walk. I'll be fine. Just give me a minute". 

"It's okay. Don't push yourself too hard. I'm not mad".

I was calmed by her words, and yet... I felt even worse than I had when I was bent over the sink. Not only are my anxiety disorders interfering with my life; they're making hers more difficult, too. And I know it's not my fault, she loves me no matter what... But sometimes I hate myself just a little bit because Panic is a pain for everyone it touches.

Do you ever feel guilty because of your anxiety disorder(s)?

Anxious? Just Do It!

Don't think about it! Breathe and just do it!

If you have to do something that petrifies you, here's the secret to getting it done with as little anxiety as possible: Just do it. Don't even think about it. Forcing yourself to 'just do it' allows you no time to create worst case scenarios in your head or find a way to back out.

Yesterday I had to have a blood test. I'm not scared of needles, but I'm terrified of the way I feel after getting one. I feel faint, nauseous, sweaty. About six months ago I actually blacked out after a blood test.

So yesterday when my doctor told me I'd need a blood test to help figure out what's causing my new chronic pain symptom, I froze. And said no. And then, "can I take an Ativan and ask someone to come with me?". She said, "Why don't you do it now? Get it over with. Don't think about it. You can do this".

I shook my head, but then I considered it. Wouldn't having the test now, even if my worst fears came true, be less scary than waiting a week, imagining passing out over and over, and then having to deal with the test? 

So I agreed. I did the test. It was awful. It took half an hour to find a vein and I almost passed out again... But I did it. And the triumphant feeling of knowing I faced my fear and came out on the other side was worth every moment of anxiety.

How To Deal With Anxiety Relapse

I've had a resurgence in panic attacks in the past couple of weeks. At first I was devastated, and took out my frustration on myself. 'How could I let my anxiety get this bad again? I've fought it for years, finally got it under control, and then I'm back to near-daily panic attacks? How could I be so weak and so stupid?!'

But I've realized something: It's not my fault. Just like I didn't choose to have this illness in the first place, I didn't choose for it to worsen. Besides, all the energy I've put into getting angry at myself would be better spent dealing with this bump in the road. So here's what I've decided to do:

Learn new coping skills (and practice old ones). Keep using the tried and true, like deep breathing. But now is a great time to try out other techniques, too. I sometimes start gagging or choking when I'm anxious, so my mom suggested I suck on a mint to allow my body to focus on something else. And it works! Ask fellow anxiety disorder survivors for their favourite coping skills, or check out books and blogs for new ideas.

Take it one day at a time. Each day you resist giving in to your illness, is worth celebrating. You're showing your illness you're stronger than it. 

This is difficult but doable. That's your new mantra. Mental illness is a daily struggle. I won't deny that. It's fucking hard. Every single day. BUT: it's not impossible. Every day you survive is proof of that.

Remember you beat your illness in the first place. Relapse means you're in recovery. And recovery is a journey, not a state. That's why it's called "recovery", not "recovered".

Most importantly...

Don't blame yourself. Relapse happens to the best of us! It can be caused by myriad reasons, and beating yourself up about it will just make things worse.

What's your #1 tip for dealing with relapse?