Pudgy Middle Fingers Up

I have curves in all the 'wrong' places.

Sometimes I eat two or three donuts in one sitting.

My back rolls and tummy rolls don't magically disappear when I stand up.

My upper arms are thicker than some people's thighs.

My wrists aren't delicate, my fingers aren't slender, my ankles aren't shapely.

My clothing is rarely what stylists would call 'flattering'. I refuse to minimize my size.

I use a cane. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I'm not healthy.

The truth is, I'm not a 'good fatty'. And I don't care.

It's okay!

As fat women, we're expected to put in 10 times as much effort as thin women, to be respected and accepted. Treated as human. 

Only Good Fatties are even marginally acceptable in our society; if you're not dressed to the nines, if you don't choose salad over fries every time, if you don't work out like you're on the Biggest Loser, if you don't condemn fat people who eschew the Good Fatty archetype, good luck getting a job, or dating, or getting adequate medical care, or even being able to post on Instagram without getting death threats.

I want you to know that it's okay...

It's okay if you want to wear yoga pants and a loose shirt and no make-up.

It's okay if you dress up every day.

It's okay if you work out every day.

It's okay if you don't.

It's okay if you eat salad every day.

It's okay if you eat salad occasionally.

It's okay if you choose fries over salad, every time. 

It's okay if you're not healthy. Lack of health is not a moral failing.

It's okay if you're pissed because the mall doesn't carry your size.

It's okay if you don't like being fat.

It's okay if you love being fat.

The bullies aren't the ones who have to live in your body day in and day out. What it comes down to, is that this is your body (this is your life!) and you get to choose what to do with it. Do what makes you feel healthy and happy-- however you define healthy and happy. There's nothing wrong with your size.

That #spoonie feel when you're bored waiting for your prescriptions... but then you notice the pharmacy sells snacks too.

A photo posted by Rebecca Esther (@rebeccaesther) on Feb 19, 2016 at 8:38am PST

The Intersection of Fat and Disability

Would people react to my disability differently if I weren't fat?

If I weren't fat, would my sudden puking in the middle of a mall be met with offers of ginger ale and sympathy instead of fascination and disdain?

If I weren't fat, would my occasional use of a cane merit respectful volunteering of seats instead of hushed giggling and accusations of "you wouldn't need special accommodations if you didn't eat yourself into a body unable to hold its own weight!"?

If I weren't fat, would my admission that I have PCOS be surprising and upsetting, instead of drawing questions like "so that's why you're so huge?" or "isn't that an obese person's illness?"?

Fat people already aren't viewed as people. Even when they're white and cishet and able-bodied and generally "acceptable" in every way, other than their size. So when a fat person deviates from being "otherwise acceptable", they're even less than less-than human.

I guess I just answered my own question.

Image Source

Let's Love Fat People Like We Love Santa

What's the difference between the average American and Santa Claus? Not waist size. It's the way they're percieved by society.

Santa, is a 'jolly fat man'. Sure, jokes are made at his expense ('Hey Santa, do you really need to eat a cookie at every kid's house?'. 'Couldn't you leave the sleigh at home and walk? LOL!!!1!'), but he's generally adored. 

The average American wears plus size pants too-- and is ridiculed and downright oppressed for that. 

Unless you're Santa, if you're fat, you'll be glared at every time you reach for a cookie. If you're not walking with a big bag of gifts (or something equally heavy) over your shoulder, you'll be criticized for being a lazy slob. You won't have a bright red specially- made outfit to wear. You'll go store to store and try on ugly, over-priced, poor quality clothing and feel like a failure whenever you can't zip or button them.

And when Christmas comes around, instead of cookies and milk and hugs from children, you'll get unsolicited diet tips and a winter coat that makes you look like a blob.

This holiday season, let's be like Santa: Let's judge people as being naughty or nice, not fat or thin.

Image Source

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Fat

1. Fat is an adjective. Just like short, brown-eyed, brunette. I'm all of those. I wouldn't get offended if someone said, "hey, you've got brown hair!" (although I would wonder why they feel a need to point out the obvious). I've come to realize that "hey, you're fat!" is exactly the same thing. I am fat. Thanks for noticing.

2. Fat isn't an illness. All bodies have fat. Some more than others. Just like some bodies have more melanin or less hair. Fat isn't going to kill you. In fact, this study shows that metabolically healthy fat people are less likely to suffer from heart failure than thin people with Metabolic Syndrome. And that's just one of many proving that fat isn't the big (no pun intended) scary killer we thought it was.

3. Fat is fabulous. When's the last time you ran your hands along your tummy, admired the softness of your arms, massaged your own hands or feet? Fat bodies are amazing. They're exquisitely plush and fun to touch. Our bodies are comforting to hug, so squishy and inviting.

4. Being fat isn't a moral failing. You didn't "let yourself go". You're not "a lazy slob". You're not a "bad role model for the children!!!1!". You're not disappointing/disgusting/turning off your lover if you put on some pounds (and if you are, you can easily lose 100+ pounds by dumping that judgmental asshole right now).

Image via The Militant Baker

Why I Changed My Blog's Name

Until last week, this blog was called Polish and Sparkle. Now it's Fat Is Not a Bad Word. Why?
 

If I could impart one piece of wisdom to women (people of all genders, but especially women) around the world, it would be that all bodies, no matter their size, are worthy and beautiful, regardless of their representation in the media. Larger bodies are especially abused in the mainstream, simply because of their size, and that's bullshit. Being fat isn't a bad thing. The word itself isn't a bad thing. I wanted to distill that message into a blog title, so Fat Is Not a Bad Word was born.

Besides, the name Polish and Sparkle didn't really encapsulate the message I want to send. That, and a bunch of people mistook it for a blog about nail polish!

I think I was too shy to give my blog a clear name (read: with "fat" in it) and beat around the proverbial bush, talking about body image and fashion and life as a fat girl and how my disability and career and travel are affected by my size, without just saying it, loud and clear: I am a fat person. I'm passionate about helping fat people live the life of their dreams, and not just in spite of their size. I was doing myself, and my readers a disservice by not calling this blog what it really is: a blog for fat people, by a fat person. I love my skinny sisters, but they have Vogue and LouLou and pretty much every fashion and women's lifestyle magazine (and blog, and TV show, etc etc etc). I'm ready to cater to my niche, my interests, my lifestyle, without being afraid I'm leaving out the skinny girls. Kind of like how Essence isn't for white girls and Bust isn't for non-feminists.

Fatphobia and body shaming are a worldwide epidemic. People of size face discrimination every single day, simply because of their size. I won't keep quiet or play nice or hide what I believe under a title that sugar coats it for the fat haters. I won't be a "good fatty". I'll shout it, loud and proud: Fat Is Not a Bad Word.

Image Source (click through and you can actually buy the keychain/necklace pictured, handmade by an artist on Etsy!).

FatIsNotaBadWord

7 year-old me plies and twirls with grace. She loves to dance. But sometimes she can't focus on the barre in front of her or the music on the stereo, because she knows she's the biggest of all the girls in her class. Even a couple adults giggle at her chubby thighs in her little leotard when she's front and centre at the recital.

11 year-old me sits rigid in her chair at school, sucking in her stomach so her classmates won't notice its bulge over her jeans.  They're from the adults' section, not Siblings or Justice or one of those trendy stores all the pretty girls shop at. She tries not to think about that.

13 year-old me sings her Torah portion before an audience of hundreds of friends and family members and her parents' colleagues. This is one of the happiest, proudest days of her life. And her dress is fantastic. But she's still afraid she looks fat in it.

16 year-old me fixates on that word, fat. Boys in her class spew insults laced with the word, as though the big tits and round asses they drool over are worth any less when paired with a round tummy or double chin. As if girls' bodies are eye candy. As if the female population of our school is only there for the boys' entertainment.

22 year-old me looks in the mirror and loves what she sees... often. But some days she can't help but whimper, "why did you let yourself go?". "Why do you eat so much?". "Why must you draw so much attention? Why must you take up space?". 

Now I'm ready to change. But not my body. My fat body is glorious the way it is, rolls and scars and all. No, I'm ready to change society. One size 3X dress, one fatphobic comment, one diet tip at a time. 

Beautiful, chubby little girls should not grow up wanting to be invisible, to stop eating until they fade to nothing, to accept the catcalls and rude remarks and "I'm just worried about your health".

Young women, whether they're a size 2 or a 12 or a 22 or a 32 should never question their worth just because a so-called health magazine or a 'caring' friend or Weight Watchers tells them to. 

The systematic oppression of 'obese' people needs to stop. Now.

Let's reclaim mirrors. Gaze at yourself lovingly, touching every curve, kissing every scar, adoring every inch.

And let's reclaim the very word that tortured us as children, that we waved like a white flag, that we swallowed like a bitter pill and choked on when it got stuck in our throat.

Fat.

FatIsNotABadWord.

Stay beautiful. Love,
Becca

Being Fat

My perfectly imperfect, gorgeous and fat body.

Being fat is awesome; I give good hugs. I'm soft and fun to touch. I look great naked or clothed.

The only things I hate about being fat? The fact that I can't walk into more than 2 stores at my local mall and find something that fits over my head and covers my entire torso, let alone an outfit that's affordable and makes me feel pretty.

That, and the stigma. People stop me in the street and tell me I'm 'killing myself by living an obese lifestyle' (whatever that means?!?!), comment on my Instagram that I'm 'fat and ugly' and I can't get medical care without being told my BMI is off the charts and I should 'probably consider going on a diet'.

But these aren't symptoms of being fat. This is the reality of being fat in a fatphobic world.

I won't change just to fit in to a society that systematically oppresses people of my size, simply because of our size. I will stand, fat and proud, and fight for the right to exist happily, stylishly and without stigma.

Does Obesity Make Kids Do Worse In School?

"You don't like that I'm fat, so you're calling me stupid?"

Does Obesity Make Kids Do Worse In School? I recently read this article, and predictably, it was maddening.

The article starts, "Puberty is hard enough on kids. It's worse for those [who] don't conform to whatever beauty standards pre-teens are aggressively marketed these days". Already, from the second sentence, a there is a tone of casual victim-blaming. Of course school is harder for those to whom a stigma is attached-- life is harder when you're part of a group which is systematically oppressed.

Apparently a new study has found that "for 11-year-old girls, obesity likely affects educational test scores throughout adolescence. For boys, the evidence remains unclear". To which I say: of course (again). Of course girls are more affected by societal pressure to be thin than boys are. This is male privilege.

Further: of course it's likelier that a girl of size (rather than her thinner peer) will not fare well at school. This has nothing to do with how smart, hard-working or capable she is, and everything to do with:

-Fat shaming. 

-Eating disorders.

-Anxiety and depression.

-Bullying.

All of which a person of size is likelier to be affected by.

Instead of digging for reasons why fat people are worth less than our thin peers (hint: we're not!), let's focus on fighting the stigma attached to obesity.

Fat Girl Takes On the Mall

Summer is the perfect time to rock a cute crop top or fun short shorts that show off your great legs. I always look forward to this season of barbecues and beach days and (fashionable) fun in the sun.

But this year has started out a little different.

"My shorts don't fit."
"Neither does this pair."
"All my skirts are too small,"

I complained to my mom, tossing item after item out of my closet. That's when I realized it: my endocrinologist had said PCOS can cause continued weight gain, even during treatment. I'm still gaining weight. Fuck!

Don't get me wrong: I love being fat. I love my body. And I consider myself a fat activist. Learning to love myself means accepting myself at any size, whether it's a 2 or a 32. But growing out of your clothes at a rate that feels unhealthy and puts a dent in your (already half-empty) wallet? It's hard to cope.

So off I go to the mall. The biggest mall in the biggest city in Canada. I have limited funds, since my disability means I can't work as much as I'd like to, but I'm sure I'll find something.

Wrong.

With multiple floors and hundreds of stores, you'd think there'd be at least a hundred that carry sizes over 16.

Nope. Not even 10.

Let's count them:
1 Forever 21
2 Reitmans
3 Sears

Three stores. In an entire mall. The scary thing is that I have more luck at the Eaton Centre than I do at other malls in Toronto.

I'm fortunate that I can sometimes fit into a 16 or XXL, the largest straight size available, so stores like Old Navy and the Disney Store are not entirely off limits. Still, who wants to squeeze into t-shirts and cotton dresses, crying "I'm so lucky this blouse is cut big!"? And as a fat woman, I'm already not taken seriously in the office, so do I really want Tinkerbell's face on everything I own?

I'm glad the three fatshion- friendly stores above exist. But... why aren't their plus sizes mixed in with their "normal" clothes? Why is the fabric quality superb in straight sizes and so-so at best, ghastly at worst in plus? Why should fat girls wear low quality clothes that cost more, just because they're bigger? And why are the few stores in Canada that specialize in plus sizes extravagantly priced and rarely in malls?

We're being punished for our size. We're being punished for eating 'too much', for having illnesses like PCOS, for our genetics, for happening to have double chins.

Do I begrudge my slenderer friends their fast fashion, their hundreds of stores, the breeze that shopping is for them? Not at all. I just want my experience to be as good as theirs.

Image source: Reitmans (one of the few stores at Eaton Centre which caters to plus size shoppers).

5 Reasons To Read "Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love & Fashion"

Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls On Life, Love & Fashion came out earlier this year and continues to receive a plethora of positive press from within the fat community. If you haven't already got a copy, I urge you to rush to Amazon or your local bookstore. It's worth it, I promise!

Edited by Virgie Tovar and published by Seal Press, Hot & Heavy features incredible writers/fat activists, including Tasha Fierce, Kitty Stryker, April Flores (pictured on the cover) & lots more listed here.

Here are 5 reasons why you should read this anthology today:

1 The stories are genuine, authentic and raw. Written by real fat women with a variety of experiences, from illness to dieting to dancing and learning to love their bodies, every chapter is unique and engaging.

2 Virgie's piece, "Pecan Pie, Sex & Other Revolutionary Things" is my favourite, possibly because I relate to much of it and adore Virgie's writing style, but every chapter spoke to me in some way. I think you'll feel the same.

3 The book advocates "shedding shame instead of shedding pounds" [page 51]. We are more than our size or shape, our gender or sex, our skin colour or background. This is a powerful message.

4 The epilogue is full of inspiring, actionable ideas for fierce fat girls who want to love their bodies. A perfect way to end an incredible book

5 Explore the "About the Contributors" section at the back for even more fatspiration, including links to fat positive websites run by the contributors. Consider it hours of extra reading for free.

A copy of Hot & Heavy was provided to me by Seal Press in exchange for this blog post. This in no way affects my opinion of the book.