Explaining Your Mental Illness to Your Date

The hardest part of dating isn't saying hello for the first time. It's not thinking up topics of conversation, choosing a restaurant, or even staying safe when you meet in person for the first time. When you have an oft- misunderstood mental illness (or two or three), the hardest part of getting to know anyone is explaining it-- and hoping they understand.

Last month I met up with a New Guy (yep, the one I had a 14 hour phone conversation with!), and everything seemed great. We had lots in common, he was fun to talk to and he laughed at all my jokes. But I was terrified that none of that would matter when he found out about my Panic Disorder and emetaphobia.

I believe in full disclosure when I start talking to someone new, whether a potential friend or date. It's less painful for both of us if the "eeeew I can't date a crazy girl!" conversation happens right at the beginning, rather than after a few dates. So when we first start talking and it feels like things might be going somewhere, I say, "I feel I should let you know that I'm dealing with [insert illnesses here]. They do [sometimes] impact my day-to-day life, but I am actively working on treatment for them and don't consider them an obstacle to having a happy relationship". Either he'll flee, or he'll be understanding. I've had some people run, of course, but multiple people have told me coming out like that takes guts, and still others have said they have an anxiety disorder (or two), too. 

So this new guy knew about my health issues in advance. I just wasn't sure what would happen when he encountered a panic attack or a borderline episode.

Our first date, like our first phone call, wasn't typical, even though it started out that way. We were going to go out for coffee, and met right near a Tim's, but decided we liked each other enough, felt safe with each other, (and wanted to spend enough time together) that going to his place made sense. So we did. And we ended up talking for hours on end, about silly things, important things, things we're passionate about. We made out. We snuggled. And at some point, I started sobbing uncontrollably. Hello, anxiety. Thanks for dropping by, borderline.

Did New Guy call me crazy? Did he kick me out? Nope. He held me close and told me everything was fine. And now we've been happily together for over a month.

Moral of the story? Don't be ashamed to disclose the fact that you're dealing with (an) illness(es) to potential new beaux. If they're too immature to deal with that, they don't deserve you. Not even close.

Over to you: How has your mental illness impacted your love life?

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5 Signs You're Dating the Right Person

Even if you don't believe in Mr. Right, there's definitely someone out there who's right for you. But how do you know you've found him? 

1 He's understanding of your disability. Never, ever settle for someone who thinks less of you because of your disability and how it affects your life. If he can't get past your medication, your cane, your weekly therapy or difficulty with things like stairs or numbers, he'll have to get past the fact that he's not good enough for you.

2 He makes you as happy as you make him. Relationships are full of give and take, but they're not healthy when they're all give and no take, or vice versa. Think about how he makes you feel, and how he responds to your words, your touch, your time together. Everyone deserves someone who makes them happy.

3 He pushes you to become the best you, you can be. This isn't to say he convinces you to take college class upgrades or makes you exercise 5 times a week (that's a little extreme, and may not even align with your goals!). A supportive partner simply encourages you to try new things, cheers you on as you race toward the finish line and dries your tears when you don't succeed, knowing you'll do better next time.

4 When you see little things that remind you of him, you smile. I believe healthy relationships (romantic or otherwise) lead to an increase in moments that make you smile. So if you see a car that looks like his, happen to wear his favourite colour or hear your song on the radio and can't help but grin, he's probably the one for you.

5 He makes time for you. Yes, we're adults so we have responsibilities. But being an adult means being able to make a choice to push all responsibilities to the side for a day because some things (or people) are just as important as work and school. Just like it's your job to feed yourself nutritious food three times a day, it's also your prerogative to occasionally eat cake for breakfast because it makes you happy.

Note: I know many of my readers identify as LGBTQ+ (myself included!). I simply use the masculine pronoun in this article for ease of understanding.

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What Not To Do When Your Girlfriend Has a Breakdown

Don't try to fix her. She is not a car that won't start. She is not a dog. She is not a cracked vase on your grandmother's mantel.

Don't smile and say "my love is the best therapy". Talk therapy and medication are the best therapy. (You wouldn't replace insulin with kisses, would you?)

And for the love of God, don't just disappear.

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Some Valentine's Day Ideas

Now that February is here, Valentine's Day is on nearly everyone's mind. Here's some advice from yours truly, plus some of your favourite celebs-- for single ladies, couples & BFFs.

Delicious wine & a movie. Amy Lee suggests: "If you're single, watch a movie like Dirty Dancing or Sleepless in Seattle and drink plenty of red wine".

Vantines aren't only for lovers. Send an anonymous love note to someone you admire.

"Buy your own chocolate! Not from the drugstore- go someplace decadent like Godiva and spend $30 on a box of the good stuff. It's so luxe to treat yourself," enthuses writer Jennifer Weiner.

If you're not a chocoholic, go for a nice bottle of pink champagne, as Lauren Weisberger suggests. Your friends will love it too!

Self-love is essential. Take this opportunity to buy yourself a little treat, like a vibrator or lingerie. You're hot & you deserve it!

An awesome idea from Jennifer Garner: "If you don't have a boyfriend, just grab your girlfriends and go. My best Valentine's Day, I took my friend, both of us were single, and said, 'Screw it, we're going to go have a romantic weekend.' We went to the wine country, we stayed in romantic bed-and-breakfasts, and we had wine tastings and great meals and massages. We were surrounded by couples in love, and we did not care."

If you're in a relationship, do as Dan Savage says & "fuck first, eat later". Skip the crowds by having a late, romantic dinner-- one that follows mind-blowing orgasms and a fabulously intimate few hours together.

There are more ideas to come, but I thought I'd get you started! Do you have any ideas to share?

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