Why I Waited Until 25 To Get Diagnosed With OCD

I knew talking about my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder would be difficult. But I didn't know just how difficult. I guess that's why I put it off for 20 years.

I was afraid of having "something else wrong with" me. In early childhood, I had Selective Mutism. In sixth grade I developed Panic Disorder. In my teens, I developed multiple chronic physical illnesses, plus clinical depression, phobias and Borderline Personality Disorder. It felt like there was no right time to have the "I think I have OCD" Talk, because it felt like I was constantly developing new and increasingly terrifying illnesses. Is there a "right time" for the Talk?!

Besides, I wasn't even sure I had OCD. All the symptoms you hear about in pop culture tended to be very different from what I was experiencing:

I collected plush seals and kept every notebook I filled with poems and doodles, but that's far from Hoarding: Buried Alive. And I was definitely not organized. I constantly drew all over my math homework, stacked my books haphazardly and couldn't have cared less when I noticed something was crooked. I didn't count stuff. I didn't even wash my hands, other than after using the bathroom.

But I knew something was off. I was terrified of germs, terrified of getting sick. Being in a doctor's office made me queasy. I couldn't sit next to someone who had a cold without being convinced I'd catch their cold. I was tormented by vivid violent images. Me stabbing someone in the eye with a fork, someone raping me, me jumping in front of a moving train, someone I love being murdered. The only way I could fend the thoughts off was repeating phrases in my head until it felt 'just right'.

These thoughts have been in my head for as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I'd think, "If I can't do (task) within (this fast), I have to kill myself". I don't think I even knew what suicide was! But the thoughts persisted, and became more and more frequent.

Finally, when I was 24, physically sicker than I had ever been in my entire life, living well below the poverty line and feeling battered by my relatively recent job loss, rape and estrangement of my abusive father, I decided to get help. 

I'm 25 and in a group treatment program now. I won't mince words: Exposure Response Prevention Therapy is fucking torture. Baring my soul to a group of strangers, forcing myself to experience the very situations that provoke my anxiety, coping with the exhaustion fighting this disorder brings... I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard.

All I know, is that asking for help was the right choice. I just wish I hadn't waited so long.

Mental Health Week 2014

We're mid-way through Mental Health Week 2014, and I want to honour this week of awareness here at Polish and Sparkle.

Sparklers are a special sort of people, who are empathetic toward those with mental illness(es), even if they're neurotypical, themselves. And Sparklers who are mental health warriors are resilient and bold, and unafraid to share their struggles and their successes. (Yes, I am tearing up a little-- I'm really proud you're my readers).

To celebrate Mental Health Week, here are some links you might find useful:

3 popular mental health posts at Polish and Sparkle this year:

♥ How To Deal With Anxiety Relapse

♥ Anxious? Just do it!

♥ Explaining Your Mental Illness To Your Date

3 excellent mental health resources from around the web:

♥ 18 Things Mentally Strong People Do

♥ 15 Styles of Disordered Thinking

♥ 10 Essential Emotion Regulation Skills for Adults

3 things to make you smile:

♥ Cat Bounce - mindless, silly, full of kitties!

♥ Check out some iconic 90s films or Best Picture Oscar Winners, or learn about the history of the movie trailer.

♥ Sloths! Sloths! Sloths! - My sloth-full Pinterest board.

For more mental health resources, fun stuff and other great links, follow me on Pinterest.

How are you celebrating Mental Health Week this year?     

Anxious? Just Do It!

Don't think about it! Breathe and just do it!

If you have to do something that petrifies you, here's the secret to getting it done with as little anxiety as possible: Just do it. Don't even think about it. Forcing yourself to 'just do it' allows you no time to create worst case scenarios in your head or find a way to back out.

Yesterday I had to have a blood test. I'm not scared of needles, but I'm terrified of the way I feel after getting one. I feel faint, nauseous, sweaty. About six months ago I actually blacked out after a blood test.

So yesterday when my doctor told me I'd need a blood test to help figure out what's causing my new chronic pain symptom, I froze. And said no. And then, "can I take an Ativan and ask someone to come with me?". She said, "Why don't you do it now? Get it over with. Don't think about it. You can do this".

I shook my head, but then I considered it. Wouldn't having the test now, even if my worst fears came true, be less scary than waiting a week, imagining passing out over and over, and then having to deal with the test? 

So I agreed. I did the test. It was awful. It took half an hour to find a vein and I almost passed out again... But I did it. And the triumphant feeling of knowing I faced my fear and came out on the other side was worth every moment of anxiety.

Borderline vs Balance

Balance is the hardest thing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder to achieve. Most of the time that's what we crave; a happy existence in the grey area. Unfortunately, BPD causes us to be precariously perched on the Black Side or the White Side at all times.

Am I ecstatically happy or dreadfully sad? Is my boyfriend/father/friend/teacher the greatest man to ever live, or the devil incarnate? Do I want to live forever, or must I kill myself this second?

It sounds melodramatic, but this is truly how we think. We can't not. Autopilot drives us from Black to White and back again. Sometimes all we can do is hold on tight.

Image: WikiMedia Commons

How To Deal With Anxiety Relapse

I've had a resurgence in panic attacks in the past couple of weeks. At first I was devastated, and took out my frustration on myself. 'How could I let my anxiety get this bad again? I've fought it for years, finally got it under control, and then I'm back to near-daily panic attacks? How could I be so weak and so stupid?!'

But I've realized something: It's not my fault. Just like I didn't choose to have this illness in the first place, I didn't choose for it to worsen. Besides, all the energy I've put into getting angry at myself would be better spent dealing with this bump in the road. So here's what I've decided to do:

Learn new coping skills (and practice old ones). Keep using the tried and true, like deep breathing. But now is a great time to try out other techniques, too. I sometimes start gagging or choking when I'm anxious, so my mom suggested I suck on a mint to allow my body to focus on something else. And it works! Ask fellow anxiety disorder survivors for their favourite coping skills, or check out books and blogs for new ideas.

Take it one day at a time. Each day you resist giving in to your illness, is worth celebrating. You're showing your illness you're stronger than it. 

This is difficult but doable. That's your new mantra. Mental illness is a daily struggle. I won't deny that. It's fucking hard. Every single day. BUT: it's not impossible. Every day you survive is proof of that.

Remember you beat your illness in the first place. Relapse means you're in recovery. And recovery is a journey, not a state. That's why it's called "recovery", not "recovered".

Most importantly...

Don't blame yourself. Relapse happens to the best of us! It can be caused by myriad reasons, and beating yourself up about it will just make things worse.

What's your #1 tip for dealing with relapse?

Ice: 1; Becca: 0

I keep dreaming of the day I'll be able to portray myself as this flawless, ever-confident business mogul who never cries, never fears, never 'gives in' to the way biology made her. Who never succumbs to fatigue, depression, or agoraphobia.

But that's not me. Right now I feel I couldn't be further from it.

This is what I was thinking about moments ago, when I ashamedly retreated to the house after 30 seconds outside. I was terrified of slipping on the ice which I hadn't realized had formed overnight. 

Most people dislike icy sidewalks, just like most people don't enjoy needles or spiders or colds; but then, most people's hearts don't start racing at the thought of these things, their hands going clammy, their chest feeling tight, their vision blurry, feeling they're dying.

Most people don't have phobias.

But what about those of us who do?

Maybe I should be content to bare all, even the parts that embarrass me, scare me or exhaust me (like my chronic illnesses). I try to be honest and open here, but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I want to be perfect. Don't most people?

10 Fun Things To Do This Fall (Whether You Have Fibro or Not!)

My pain has been really bad for the past few weeks, so I've been down in the dumps (hence my not writing as often as usual). Fortunately, Autumn is here; the new season is an excellent opportunity to renew enthusiasm for the little things in life. Goodness knows that in coping with chronic illness, a little positivity goes a long way.

So this Fall, why don't you...

1 Take a hike. Tread on crisp, crunchy leaves and admire the foliage's breathtaking colour.

2 If your body can't take a 10k, just get outside. A leisurely nature walk or sitting in a park may be more your speed (I know it's mine-- at least for now!).

3 Head to an apple orchard. Few things say Fall like hot apple pie and picking your very own Granny Smiths.

4 Make nature-inspired crafts. Try leaf rubbings, carving pumpkins or painting with fall colours.

5 Flaunt Fall nail art. Head to your favourite manicurist, or try a DIY mani. Ideas: Oxblood polish, black cats or cozy plaid.

6 Exercise outside. Since I have fibromyalgia, my doctor recommends I do stretches daily. I plan to take advantage of crisp Autumn mornings by taking my workout outside.

7 Upgrade your fall wardrobe with chunky knits, tall boots and fuzzy socks.

8 Donate non-perishables to a local food bank. Sometimes when your own pain is bad, helping a stranger can help you feel better. And since Thanksgiving is coming, food banks need all the help they can get.

9 Embrace an Autumn beauty trend, like the smoky eye (a classic), or black lipstick (for the daring).

10 Bake cookies. Bonus if they're shaped like cats, leaves or pumpkins!

Do you have anything exciting planned this Fall?

What I Learned At Trichotillomania Learning Center's Annual Conference

It's been over a month since the Trichotillomania Learning Center's annual conference, but I'm still digesting all the invaluable lessons I learned. Even if you didn't get the chance to attend, these ideas might help you, too.

Don't compare your problems to others'. Who's to say pulling is worse than picking, or vice versa? Besides, comparing issues is a waste of time that could be spent working toward a solution.

Even the people you look up to struggle sometimes. I met some incredible, accomplished, well-respected people. They're doing amazing things, living inspiring lives and they look put-together and flawless while they're at it. You'd never guess they secretly struggle with BFRBs. Hearing about their experiences, and learning that they lead fulfilling lives in spite of them is exactly the motivation I need to stay on the path to recovery.

Relapse happens, and that's okay. Some days, I pull a lot. Some days, I can't stop chewing my lip or biting my nails or picking my skin. And that's okay. Recovery isn't a destination; it's a journey, and it takes time. We all slip up. It's okay.

Being open about your struggle is brave, healthy and can help both you and others. Don't be ashamed of your illness; be proud of how hard you fight it every single day.

Beating Panic Disorder: Stop Giving Into the 'Shoulds'

We have so many shoulds in our lives-- from who we should be right down to how our days should go. But when you have an anxiety disorder, things don't always go to plan.

Tuesday morning, I get on the bus expecting an uneventful ride, but there's a guy picking his nose and wiping it on the back of a chair, then coughing. A germaphobe's nightmare. So I get anxious.

Then I walk from the coffee shop to the grocery store, and it's hot out compared to the temperature inside, and I have a slight headache. Instead of thinking the weather's wonky today, I think "I'm sick, I'm gonna panic, and I'm gonna die". It's irrational, but it's often the anxious person's thought process.
 
And I feel so small. I had a panic attack today! That's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

But... If we stop giving into the shoulds and start embracing how far we've come, how many panic attacks we haven't had today, we'd be a lot healthier and happier.

I think I'll give that a try. Will you?

Hello, Spring!

Spring is a time of newness and rebirth-- both in nature and in the lives of those with seasonal depression. Most of us with SAD experience this change in mood in the winter, and begin to feel better as spring comes.

Set yourself up for success this spring by taking these steps:

Take it slow. Don't expect all your energy to return the moment it gets warmer.

Be optimistic.

Try new things. What have you never done before, that you'd like to try? Yoga? Sushi? Planting a garden? Now's the time to do it!

Update your wardrobe. Bright colours! On-trend patterns and cuts. A gorgeous dress or sexy slacks that fit just right.

Get a support network in place for next year. Join a meetup.com meetup for people with depression, see if a local hospital offers CBT groups or create your own circle of friends who 'get it'.

Enjoy yourself!

Image Source

Trichotillomania Treatment Options & Coping Strategies

In times of stress, boredom or anxiety, those with trichotillomania (also known as compulsive hair-pulling) tend to have an especially difficult time with their symptoms. [Here's a refresher on what trichotillomania is].

If you have trich, some of these ideas might work for you-- I know many of them have helped me!

Treatment Options:

-Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. CBT is known for treating many illnesses, including anxiety, depression and fibromyalgia. I had a huge breakthrough in my treatment for trich during a CBT session, and have encountered studies and individuals who tout its efficacy. Ask your GP, psychologist or psychiatrist for a referral to a certified CBT practitioner for group or individual sessions.

-Medication. The bad news: there's no special pill that will stop you from pulling your hair. The good news: some medications which help anxiety, depression or other mental illnesses can aid in treatment of trichotillomania, too. If you are already on medication for a comorbid condition, chances are its positive effects will spread to your hair-pulling. When one illness is especially bad, others are, too; when one is successfully treated, you'll see an improvement in others, too.

-Alternative therapies. Many people have had success with alternative therapies, such as herbal remedies or different types of psychology/talk therapy. Ask your doctor if one of these may benefit you.

-Support groups. Improve your self-image, meet others with similar situations and share ideas that have helped you cope. This is an excellent way to make friends who 'get' what you're going through, too.

Meanwhile, find some coping strategies that work for you. (These are meant to help control symptoms, rather than treat the underlying illness). Below are a whole bunch for you to try.

Coping Strategies:

-Play with fidget toys-- a slinky, silly putty, a bracelet...

-Talk to someone you trust (especially if they have a similar disorder).

-Create a barrier between your fingers and the area you usually pull from. Wear a hoodie, gloves, bandanna or a hat.

-Pay attention to when and where you usually pull. Sometimes awareness is enough to stop pulling.

-Set small, measurable goals. "I will not pull for the next hour", or "I will not pull more than twice today". Continually raise the bar, and celebrate when you succeed.

-Wear an elaborate hairstyle or fancy hair clips.

-Wear nail polish or perfume. You'll be likelier to notice your hand reaching for your hair.

-Put lotion on your hands. This will make grasping hair more difficult.

-Pet a cat or dog.

-Meditate.

-Try mantras, like "I am stronger than the urge to pull".

-Lift weights, go rock climbing or swim. Your arms will be too tired to pull.

-Keep a journal.

-Know your triggers.

-Practice self love.

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