Confidence is one of those beautiful, elusive qualities we all seek but can never seem to attain. It's not surprising, considering the air brushed images we're surrounded by, rape culture we're immersed in, and fatphobia and bigotry being spewed by media, family, friends and doctors alike.
But I'm proof that being confident is possible, no matter your shape, size or dis/ability.
I have multiple chronic illnesses and use a cane to get around. I wear a size 26 (US) and have curves in all the "wrong" places. I have self harm and dermatillomania scars all over my body.
Despite the fact that modern mainstream society sees me as ugly, I know I'm beautiful. I also know there's much more to me than my physical attributes. And I don't care if other people disagree. It's taken me a long time to get to this place, but I really don't care about the naysayers, the fat haters, the bigots who think disabled people are better off neither seen nor heard. I've done a lot of work, between therapy, changing the way I dress, the way I think, the media I consume, and the people I hang out with, and it's paid off.
Here are 12 ways you can become more confident, too:
1. Create a positive environment. Growing up with an abusive father who constantly belittled me for compulsively picking my skin or for being too heavy, I internalized these ideas and they became negative self-talk. For years, I berated myself for eating too much, not exercising enough, being stupid or being ugly. How could anyone feel good about themselves with an external or internal monologue like that? I've learned to surround myself with people who uplift me and who personify the confident, loving person I want to be.
2. Self care. I know it's become a bit of an irritating buzzword, but self care can't be overlooked. Push yourself to work toward your goals, but know when to rest. Have a hot bath. Set reminders so you never miss a vitamin. Invest in a class you're interested in. Paint your nails. Listen to your favourite song. No matter how small the act of self care, it's worth it. You are worth it.
3. Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. When I was about 18 and feeling particularly down on myself, my therapist told me to write a list of 5 things I should be proud of. It took me a good 15 minutes, but I managed. I learned to use my past accomplishments as motivation. If you've got a list of things you've done successfully staring you in the face, no new challenge can knock you down.
4. Perform random acts of kindness. As Audrey Hepburn said, "For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness...". Knowing your beauty is more than skin deep will boost your self esteem.
5. Take selfies. From above, from the side, full body, portrait, from "ugly" angles... Get used to how you look. The more you look at yourself, the more you desensitize yourself to your "flaws". After a while, you might even start to like how you look! (This tactic worked great with my nose, which I actually think is super cute, after years of hating it).
6. Follow body positive and fat positive blogs and Tumblr accounts. Representation matters. Studies show that being exposed to a larger variety of body types, sizes and colours increases our tolerance and appreciation of them. If you're having a hard time finding bodies like yours in the media (which most of us are!), purposely seek those bodies out. Seeing people who look like you will make you feel better.
7. Wear makeup... or don't. Do you feel good wearing a full face of makeup? Would you rather be bare-faced? Is a swipe of lipstick or a little mascara all you need? Prefer blue lipstick to vampy red, or natural makeup to bold looks? Forget your mom's or your boyfriend's or Allure's opinion about makeup, and wear what makes you feel like you.
8. Wear clothes that make you feel good. Try on every item of clothing you have, and make sure it fits comfortably. If you have to tug at it so it sits right, or if it's so oversized that you feel unattractive with it on, donate it.
9. Act as if. There's a reason "fake it 'til you make it" is such an ubiquitous saying: there's truth to it. Stand tall. Speak as though you know everyone is hanging onto your every word. And soon enough, they will.
10. Practice "Power Posing". Did you know changing your body language changes your body chemistry, thereby changing the way you interact with others and how they perceive you? As Professor Amy Cuddy explains in her TED Talk, this takes faking it 'til you make it a step further: fake it 'til you become it.
11. Don't read "health magazines". They aren't really about health, or they'd feature people of every size, and talk about ways to feel good about yourself, not how to make your stomach look flatter. Tl/dr: So-called health mags are bullshit.
12. Stop thinking of your body as something that needs work. Your body is beautiful and miraculous and resilient and perfect just the way it is.
Learning to be confident in who you are and how you look is a process, and no one is confident every moment of every day. But: Cultivate good habits, wear things that make you feel gorgeous, and hang out with the right people, and you'll be well on your way to loving yourself. And that's what matters.
Learning to be confident in who you are and how you look is a process, and no one is confident every moment of every day. But: Cultivate good habits, wear things that make you feel gorgeous, and hang out with the right people, and you'll be well on your way to loving yourself. And that's what matters.
